Emotions Run High
Your kid doesn’t want to eat the meal that was prepared for them. They demand chicken nuggets. They’re starting to dig in, whine, and scream.
Now wait a gosh-darned minute.
You or your wife worked hard on this meal. Plus, it’s healthy.
If they don’t eat healthy now, will they ever? How can we be sure they try new things in life if they won’t try this ear of corn you’ve placed in front of them. Are they destined to be an overweight couch potato because they refuse to try brown rice?
You can’t take it, so you put the foot down: “You will eat it, and you will eat it NOW”
You’re DAD after all.
And I’ll bet one of two things happens:
- They continue getting louder and more whiny until you finally give in and make the nuggets, OR
- They shrink a little, take a few bites, and decide they can’t trust you to listen and understand what they are thinking and feeling.
Neither of these are great. They both drive a wedge between you and your kids (and your wife, but that’s a story for another email).
Why They Whine
Children don’t have an innate understanding of the nuances and responsibilities of being a human in this world.
They are learning it all as they go.
So all they know about sugar is that it tastes good. Really good. The hardest thing is, they won’t internalize this if you just tell them once. Science says (ok, Reddit says) that most kids aren’t the greatest at listening. They may hear you, but they didn’t listen.
This can be extremely frustrating. As parents, our main calling is to raise these children into competent, healthy adults. Any mom or dad can tell you, it’s not as easy as it looks.
The hardest balance to strike, I’ve found, is the one between preserving childhood innocence and introducing the ways of the world.
Like when my daughter found out how much work it really takes to earn the money that we use to pay for her unicorn wall decor (not to mention the house where it hangs). But I’m also not going to make her sit in front of a computer and crunch numbers in Excel all day. She’s eight, for goodness sakes.
How You Make it Worse
YOU make it worse.
Read it as many times as you need to. Yes, your kids are whining. Yes, they aren’t listening. But you have the power to redirect their behavior.
If you get as emotional every time they beg for an Oreo, they’re going to assume that extreme emotionality is normal in this life. For a lot of people, it is normal. I’ll tell you from experience. Society does it, so it must be the right way, right?
Wrong.
It’s the easy way. It’s giving in to your emotions (powered by your EGO) and creating a home that bubbles with resentment, like lava beneath the surface of a dormant volcano.
So how do you stop the cycle?
How to Make it Better
Great news, and if you’ve followed my life philosophy at any point in the past 4 years, you’ll know: it’s YOUR responsibility to fix it.
Don’t take this as a burden, although it likely feels like it. See it as a puzzle to solve.
1. Kids like what is comfortable and fun
2. They may whine when told they cannot have/do what is comfortable and fun
3. You escalate once they start begging
4. It ends with you slamming doors and them crying in a corner
You have to interrupt this pattern before number 3.
Tying it all together
Some things I’ve used successfully to break the pattern in place of number three above.
First, recognizethe frustration rising in you. Take a deep breath. Leave the room if needed and safe to do so (don’t leave a baby in the bathtub, or toddlers around a utility knife), be smart. Then choose one of the items below to try to move forward.
- Redirect. This sometimes works. Ask them about their day. Let out a loud fart. Ten jumping jacks. Anything to change the environment.
- Set expectations. “You can play for ten minutes before bath time.” Give reminders every two minutes or so.
- Give in. The subject of this email is “Chill out” anyway. Eat the ice cream before dinner (and set the expectation that this isn’t happening every day).
- Explain. Tell them why. Maybe they didn’t know it was a rule. Set that expectation for the future.
- Be the bad guy. Often this is necessary. We are parenting, after all. We’re not here to be their friend. It’s probably not a good idea to let your son jump off the couch onto the brick fireplace while recovering from surgery (this happened at our house recently). If you’re going this route, it’s imperative that you stand firm. Let them work it out on their own until they realize that you’re not caving. It’s just the way it is sometimes.
This isn’t a complete guide. There’s much I’m still learning. But it’s a start.
Tony – @limit___less