The Battle for Bedtime

It had been months since my son was asleep before 11pm. Bedtime had become a battle akin to Normandy. Maybe not that serious, but I felt like I was losing a battle.

I thought I was doing everything right. We had a set nighttime routine. But that routine never worked the way I wanted. He always needed it his way. “Five more minutes”, “I want to play”, “I’m hungry”.

These weren’t requests, either. He would scream until he got his way, and he got it. I wasn’t about to let him wake his sister. Bedtime was no longer sacred. I loathed the task of putting the kids to bed.

“This shouldn’t be the way it is,” I thought.

The Controlling Colonel

Did I have a problem with control? Were my rules arbitrary? I didn’t think the answer was yes, but a funny thing happened over the course of a few weeks. 

My wife gently asked me a series of questions during my tirades that changed the course of the evenings. “What if you just give him a snack?” she questioned.

“Because it’s bedtime. Because you shouldn’t eat right before bed. Because he already brushed his teeth.” I had reasons. And I wasn’t backing down. I made the rules, and everyone should follow dad’s rules, right?

“Is it worth the battle?” she pondered aloud.

Turning the Tide

That question changed me. I took a deep breath and swallowed my pride. I gave him a snack.

Then he asked to play. I felt my chest getting tight. Instead, I set a four minute timer and pulled out the dinosaurs. The timer expired, and I braced for another request. I knew he would try anything to stay awake longer.

But something amazing happened. Our dinosaurs said goodnight to each other and went back to the closet.

“Goodnight, daddy!”

He climbed into bed.

What!?

DISCLAIMER: I’m not advocating that you let your kids run the house. Far from it. Bed time is still bed time. I’m not blowing up a bouncy house or busting out the Sour Patch Kids. It’s still bed time. Lights are low. We’re not running or screaming. Snacks are small.

Control vs. Connection

I realized that I was trying to control. That was a hard pill to swallow. My commands for him to go to sleep were met with his fight or flight response. My absolute need to get my way was met with his absolute need to get his way. This is what control looked like.

Fortunately, it was easier to remedy. 

What he was really longing for was connection. I’m an involved dad. I work from home. My kids see me often. But I’m frequently busy during the day. Evenings are a great chance for them to spend 1:1 time with dad. By indulging my son in a small snack and some focused playtime, he was able to stay in a calm state, and get to bed without any resistance. He wanted to connect.

Tying it all together

I look back on these harrowing months with a shame, but I’m also encouraged that I was able to overcome the part of myself that was causing the issue. I had to realize a few things:

1. He wasn’t doing it to spite me.
2. He just wanted to spend time with those he loves the most.
3. My need to have a set bedtime routine was my problem, not my son’s.
4. There will be a time in life when my son won’t want to hang out with me.

Once I realized that I was causing the issue here, I could connect with my son, instead of trying to control him.

Homework

I want to make sure this comes through. It was my fault. Is anything happening in your family life right now that you’re positive is someone else’s fault? What if it wasn’t? Take some time to connect with that family member. Indulge them in a conversation you’ve been shirking. Play that game that you don’t really like. 

Once you’ve done this, think back. Did you really lose anything? You’re choosing to fight these battles. And everyone loses.

Swallow your pride, and remember what good feels like.

Bedtime has never been more fulfilling now. Quiet and calming with a book.

(and a snack)

Tony – @limit___less