Imagine the following. You leave a job that hasn’t excited you in months, you rush home, honking at strangers driving the speed limit. You change your shoes and sweater (homage Mr. Rogers).
“Get your shoes on, we have to be there in 10 minutes!” You half-yell at your kids, wondering why they have to do everything at the speed of molasses.
Now it’s off to the dojo for karate. Again, why does everyone drive so slowly?
An hour later, it’s nearly time for dinner. You’re so drained, you can’t even think about cleaning up after dinner. You text your wife “picking up pizza”.
At the end of the night, you pass out on the couch. You haven’t rested in months, because you always know you’ll have to do it again tomorrow.
Why this is bad
Having an activity every night is terrible for you. It’s terrible for your family. This type of on-the-go-ism will slowly whittle your family down to a pile of wood shavings.
Why are you doing this? So your kids can ‘excel’? Sure, we all want kids who try hard and are well rounded, but I’m telling you this isn’t the way. Have you heard the stories about kids who run away from home because of all the pressure? How about those who commit suicide because they fear they’ll never be enough (not just for their parents, but for themselves)?
I’m not trying to scare you (ok, maybe a little). But I believe you should be prioritizing connection with your children over any desire for them to be a specific thing. It’s hard to do when the only time they see your face is in the rearview mirror from the backseat.
Back to the question at hand. What reason do you have for packing your young child’s schedule with activities? My wife and I gave reasons like “You can’t just be lazy at home all the time”, and “I wish I had done more activities when I was little.”
This hints at the root of what I see as the problem here. We’re doing this to validate ourselves.
We never had parents who supported us and pushed us to do our best. Or we want to keep up with Mrs. Jones and little Tommy next door. Tommy has a bookshelf full of trophies. “Why can’t you be like Tommy?” Ouch. When you look at it through this lens, you may start to see that when we do this, we’re projecting to our kids a few things:
- They exist for us. So they can have the childhood we never did.
- Winning = worth. Our love is tied to their achievements and accolades.
Don’t do nothing, though
Full disclosure, our kids both do activities multiple times per week. These are activities that we ask them often if they still enjoy. We’re also up front that if they really apply themselves and grow out of it, that’s fine.
But if they decide to continue this activity, they’d better give it *everything they have*. One skill that I was never taught was intensity. I’m still cultivating it to this day.
I guess what I’m saying is, make sure that they do an activity that they have shown interest in. As parents, it’s our job to pay attention to our kid’s proclivities and innate passions.
How to enjoy life again
My framework for this is not perfect, but it works for us. I’m talking kids 4 and older. Any younger, they should be developing at home.
- Start with connection.
Try sports or arts at home with them. If the show interest, then see what programs are out there - Try it out.
Get them a trial class at a dance studio or a Karate dojo or whatever they’ve shown interest in - If they like it, sign them up.
Get them going. They can use this opportunity to learn, develop, and even make friends - Persistence.
Make SURE they go for at least one session (typically 3+ months). My son was self conscious for the first two weeks of Taekwondo. He kept at it and now wields a green belt with confidence - Don’t be afraid to drop it.
This is the hardest part: if they don’t like it (truly), let them quit (under the condition that they try something else)
Why is #5 the hardest part? Because we, the parents, have mentally, emotionally, or monetarily invested in it by this point. It’s a hard balance to strike, because we also don’t wanna raise no quitters.
But forcing them to do anything that doesn’t connect with their being can do damage, too.
Here’s the part where I caveat this advice with the following:
This is not scientific. But I do believe it is an amazing way to build resilience and decision-making skills from a young age. “You said you wanted to be on the dance team. This is what it takes”.
Personally, I never had a ‘thing’ as a kid. And I believe lacking that led to a tendency toward complacency. I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist.
But I know that my kids have activities they love. Sometimes they don’t want to go. Sometimes they have a bad day. But they are exploring what they like, and I’ll always teach them to do that.
Tony | Unflinching Fatherhood
